Since I last wrote a few things have happened. Spring seems to be on its way, our dog Vet Bill seems to have stabilized, our cat Olive is back to being depressed, the Canucks did not make it into the playoffs, I’ve discovered Kettle black pepper and salt chips and both my sister and my mother-in-law have been in detox and rehab. (Though M.I.L is currently out) La plus ca change….

This is my current goal – I know I can’t solve anyone’s problems. I can’t make my sister better, I can’t get my M.I.L better. I can’t do anything for these people. They have to figure it out. But when you’re in the thick of watching these people struggle with their addictions, you can’t help but have it affect you. I don’t want it to affect me. I don’t want to feel anger or even worse, deep sadness. It is the worst kind of rollercoaster to be on.  But I realize something. And that is that as long as these guys are struggling we’re going to struggle too. My sister breaks my heart. I just want her to have a life that’s healthy and happy because that’s what she deserves and nothing less. And while my M.I.L is a much more complicated situation, in the end, this is what I want for her as well. 

Sometimes when you’re in the middle of it though you get super angry and I guess that’s normal. But I never want to lose my sense of empathy for what these guys are going through. They suffer. But neither do want to be pulled into the depth of their crazy lives. How do I manage this? 

This time I’m managing it by trying to stay in contact with my sister while she’s in rehab. I let her know that even though this is her 3rd time I think she can do it. I know she can do it. I want to hope with her. I let her know that I think she is a terrific person in so many ways. I let her know that I don’t want her to die. That I really don’t want her to go away. I try and let her know that I love her through her struggles but I can’t do it for her. 

Nowadays I phone her son and talk to him about nonsense….about all the things 15 year old boys dare talk to their auntie about. I try to be constant for him. I want him to know that like his mother, I love him too.

 

It’s much harder with M.I.L. Her personality is more wiley. She knows how to manipulate or this is what I think I see. She is not a bad person but she has the ability to draw you into her vortex of life that isn’t always the best experience. I want to be compassionate and let her know that I think she can make it to recovery, that she can do it. But I am learning to navigate around her crazy issues. My new line is “I’m sure you can solve this.” and I hope that she can. Because I think she can. 

Anyways, that’s my update for now. The sun is out at this moment so I’m going to sit outside and admire the life that goes on around me.