Sometimes you just have to accept that someone you love wants to die. That they can’t do it anymore. That life is just to hard. Sometimes you just have to accept this. This is the first time I’ve felt this way. That maybe her efforts to kill herself are just a way for her to ease her pain., to get her out of her life, out of her skin, out of everything that hurts. Maybe that’s just the way it is. Maybe it’s not about being angry because she’s not trying hard enough in the way I want her to try, or doing things in the way we all think she should because of her kids or because we want her back and we want her to fight. Maybe, just maybe she can’t do it. Today I just feel sad for her and the things she’s had to endure. My anger has slowly receded like the last drops of water in an empty cup.  I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t want to live, I think it’s just that she doesn’t know how to get out from where she is. So I think about ways of springing her from this trap. Getting her out from these four walls that stand too close. I think and I think and I think. And tomorrow I want to call my brother and tell him my new plan but somehow I know that maybe this is futile. This is her struggle. I wish I wish it wasn’t. I wish I wish she didn’t have to take it all on herself that if we all had a little bit of it for ourselves it wouldn’t be so hard on her. But I know what I’m thinking is just all crazy. I just want her to be out of her pain and I don’t want her to leave us.